I haven't had a comment for weeks now and i'm starting to get quite dispondent!!! Does no one want to take me up on my previous blog's offer? Or has anybody read it at all!!!???...sob sob bawl...I have a startling and frankly shocking admission to make which may leave some of you creeped out and thoroughly disgusted by me.....I've started using a thimble at work! yes, it IS true! I'm so ashamed of myself! Lets face it, it's the next logical step in my stationery obsession...i want a label maker next..ooh!!!! Does anybody else use Tipp-Ex mice? (or is it mouses?)...They are wonderful!!!! Plus i practically wet myself when my new staple remover and blue clip wallets came!!! If you have a similar problem there is a website you can contact... www.getoffyourlazyfatarseandgetahobby.com and a helpdesk buysomethingusefulwithyourmoneylikedrink@getoffyourlazyfatarseandgetahobby.com.... they are a constant companion and help through my addiction....sob...

Ok...i'm gonna do a bit of a test....but first something completely different.... Its time to refill........................................ah, all done... I'm on La mumbas today, if you like chocolate you'll love them (ask and i'll mek ya one)....Ok anyways, i want to talk about my favurite words... Everyone has at least one favourite word or am i wrong? I for one at the moment have three favourite words and have done for quite a while (well actually i have four but i cant remember one, its some kind of obscure literal or grammatical term, answers on a postcard please)...my three are:

Guanine - Such a grotesque word if said in the correct tone and with a certain anunciation that it becomes comical and jovial despite being a DNA base with what looks like a slightly altered tryptamine group in it... The anunciation in question i like to call the "Bahia" effect and i won't get into that quite now!

Infundibulum - Doesn't it just slide of your tongue like a strip of velcro!!!??? Very useful for alliteration too! The incredibly irritated infundibulum irked the irrational idiot...ooooohhhhhh....so good.... it is, in fact, a generic term for a narrow passageway within the body...i think someat to do with the kidney and ovaries normally? postcard again....

Lech....(although techincally not a word...lecherous is the word)... To be "a lech" or to "lech on someone is just such an excellent term!!!!! great stuff!!! so darkand yet so comical!

anyways, if you have been listenin, first one to answer with a comment asking for a drink, i will buy or make you a lovely cocktail as soon as....tara a bit...

Europe is dead! Long live the commonwealth... Saturday night was the last straw! Not only did eurovision class with the prince's trust pary in the park (yes, i do blame you EBU...i can tell you're anti-inationalist) but the "winners" of euorvision were fooking shite!!!! A number of things to consider here methinks.....

1.) The song was not even good of it's genre. I like many a well thought out rock song and this was NOT well thought out!
2.) The song was in no way in keeping with the spirit of eurovision.

I do however, have a slight wry smile (well it's inside my head anyway) about the whole thing; let me explain why....

I have always been under the impression that europe (the organisation, not the place) stands more or less for the dilution of national traits, characteristics and traditions for the formation of one big insipid monoculture. am i wrong? This song has, if anything, demonstarted that europe is maybe not quite so easy to dilute as the Haage had hoped.

That said, the polictical victory scored just does not compare to the importance of my viewing pleasure!!! shame on you all!!!! I for one voted for romania (and norway, the song was preddy)

oh, and sorry for the sentence structure and grammar...too annoyed!!!!

It's all a facade of a sham of a facade of a lie!!!!!! Woe is me and all that surrounds me!!!!!! Goodbye cruel world...Adieu...Adieu...Adieu...

See, i always knew i could be melodramatic, perhaps i could be the next Ian Mckellan, Christopher Lee or even, wait for it, the new Brian Blessed!? Or perhaps a poet? Lets have a crack...

There was a young man from Nantucket.....

no, no, that's for too lyrical and jovial...

Untitled (a modern-day poem in unconfined stanza)....

The final floundering remnants of the full moon's light begins to disappate as the dew-laden entrance becomes ajar, then; further still, the mighty oak creeks wearily upon it's decorated corpse to reveal the cavernous expanse within, and "whack!" the means of escape has disappeared in a spark of brimstone and fire. The silent, foul atmosphere and the ominous sheer faces imposing upon an already weaken heart begin to apply pressure that is difficult to bare.
The mountainous tiers of blinding white which dominate the space in an tyranny of claustrophobic oppression against which few have survived unaltered...


you know, this is well difficult, i havent got the time to carry on so i'll leave it there for now!!! The present and past become so blurred...horrible!!!

phew! eurovision turns out to be next weekend! who the frig told me it was this weekend, freaking me out and causing untold stress!????!!!?? Once i find out retribution will be swift and terrifying!!! I may have to punish everybody if i can find out who did it!!!

Ah, the wonders of Deep Heat and Elliman's lotion in synergy....great stuff! Plus my allergy eyedrops are starting to work so all in all i'm not having a bad day, plus it's half one already which means it's going soooo much faster than the rest of the week so far. Yes, it DOES get better; it's food shopping day (yay!!!!!!)....actually, come to think of it, i wonder if Elliman's and Deep Heat DO work in synergy or not? For those not in the know, the notion of synergy would entail the sum of two or more parts working together to exert an effect greater than adding together the effects of the individuals units...e.g. paracetamol and alcohol (though that's not beneficial synergy!!!). Oeufs, my foot is starting to burn now; at least it's better than a sickening pain (not necessarily really bad but weirdly, yes, quite wretch provoking!)...(thirty minutes later...)...oh my gosh, someone has just pulled off from the motorway and just been taken away in an ambulance! He lay in our office for a bit but the rapid response and then the ambulance we're dead quick (incidently staffordshire are the ONLY county ambulance service to reach the government target of 8 minutes). I thought they were really swift considering that we're in the middle of the M6. Just think what could have happened if he didn't pull off at the works compound and passed out...doesn't bare thinking about does it!? Problem is, i don't want to work now, i've had too much excitement and i can't go back now! Anyway, i might do a crossword then get back to work...tara a bit chucks...px

I thought i'd share some of my favourite quotes, some from various media and famous individuals...see if you can identify where they are from. Some of them are mighty tricky...

"Is it Saint Swithen's day yet, dear Helga?" (tv)

"You know what you like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? you look like a rube, a well scrubbed hustling rube. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone but your only one generation short of pure white trash." (film)

"Around the survivors a perimeter create." (film)

"I am Tarka Dhal, emperor of the great vindalooan empire... Humans!?! The vindalooan empire has pledged to exterminate them all, is that not right Bindi Bahji?" (tv)

"An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." (quote attributed to two separate people)

"What? You'll find no testiclays here!" (tv)

"Your over confidence is you weakness"..."Your faith in your friends is yours." (film)

"There is so much a man can tell you, so much here can say. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain. Baby" (song)

Damn it, its been that long since i read any of my favourite books i can't remember any quotes fully....shame on me! Anyway, there's somethin' for everyone in the mix above so see if you can get them all...Run! Run! Run!

I'm a l'il bit confused actually... I've been listening to radio Stoke (i know, it is SO schpecial it is untrue) and a song came on that i know but have never understood what the bejesus it means!!! The song name: Caribou Queen, yes....CARIBOU!!! Does anyone care to enlighten me with regards to this one. I was under the distinct impression, being reasonably learned in such things, that a caribou is a north american deer, a reindeer in fact... Is Caribou also a place? HAHAHAHAHA....rob has just pointed out my glaring stupidity and shitty radio.....it's caribbean queen...what makes it worse is that i know i know that (so to speak)!!!! ta mister.

Oh yeah, i heard the UK eurovision song last night and i was far from impressed...what the frig is that about!? its horrendous with a capital EUH! Still, maybe the europeans will eat it up, IF (and its a big if) they even consider voting for us cause we're virtually hated!!!

A work colleague of mine got a dirty picture sent to her phone from a random number yesterday and it got me thinking about times i have had random texts etc. and i maybe should have replied but didn't: last week in wolverhampton train station in the queue i had the chance to accept somethin' on bluetooth from someone like "robert" or "jonothan" and naturally i declined. It was only after i p[ut the phone back in my jeans pocket that i saw the person in front of me in the queue still had his phone out...but then i noticed more who also did, so how could i tell who it was? I am still intrigued actually; perhaps it was a ringtone or a really funny (or even dirty...euh) picture? I aslo got a random text message saying "happy christmas, lots of love, jim" which i didn't know what to do with at the time...i don't know anyone called jim who would speak to me in that manner.....why i didn't text back i do not know!!! wish i had now. ooh, and i think we've all had texts off people who were clearly meant for someone else and are either vulgar or bitch about you! i've sent them too!

How can a african relative of the dog and a piece of crockery be the sasme thing? answers on a postcard please.

as seal once sang..."no we're never gonna survive, unless, we get a little crazy"... and i feel i'm half way there at the moment. My foot still absolutely kills and my new hayfever eyedrops sting like sticking hot pins in my cornea and taste like... like... well, it's not really a taste, more a wretching feeling at the back of ones throat! On the plus side i did sleep pretty well and i kicked my mom's ass at university challenge last night, god bless the classical music round, amen. I thought i'd continue this morning with a major dislike of mine, which i must confess when writing on the computer, i err accidentally on a regular basis: Use of correct and perhaps more importantly, apt spelling and grammar. There, i've said it. I'm sorry, but i would not mind for a second if the culprits that i know of didn't have good, if not great, english language and literature grades at school! A culture of laxidasical spelling and grammar is a hard one to break free of i can tell you (fully aware that jodie has probably pointed out about a dozen up to now)!!! I'm a big believer that spellcheck is so-called as you can "check" the "spelling" for future reference; s that not correct?

The first to go is the often totally misunderstood apostrophe: it's becomes its whilst they're somehow morphs into there or their....now that one is really annoying! Can i just say as an intermitant point, that a question has a question mark at the end of it, else it is just a statement and i will not reply with an answer. By far the easiest piece of grammar to remember is the capital letter (though no doubt looking back i've probably let one slip away somewhere). Capital letters at the start of sentences please. And don't forget proper nouns such as Paul or England (spot the deliberate mistake there? let me know...)! One thing i let myself get away with murder is the use of colons and semi-colons; i swear they're just there to annoy people (as oppose to "there just they're to annoy people"). In fact, for those not really in the know on these (like myself) bullet points are so much easier when making a list!

Let me get one thing clear here; i'm not talking about a hatred of colloquiallisms and acronyms in order to facilitate speed of response etc. (ah thats another good one... when shortening a word such as institution to "inst." a dot is used at the end to denote that there are more letters present and the end of the word. However, shortening something like mister to "mr" does not require the same treatment as the "r" is the last letter in the word. That is, at least how i have come to understand it, though where i acquired that from i'm not quite sure! Oh, and i do feel as though i need to apologise for my use of ... constantly. I am as guilty as anyone for this one. In my defence, i use it as a tool to create the illution of actual speech in slowing a sentence down...sorry. Anyway, i would love to finish this one off but i have to go and actually do some work which is depressing.

Just sitting here with my pounding headache (despite ODing on painkillers) it's just occured to me that i hate so many things....that is to say, when it comes to liking something or someone i am rather apathetic; however, when it is a dislike i find it very difficult to be anything short of militant!!! Some of my "hatreds" are rather sporadic and short lived such as TV personalities or turns of phrase that eventually fizzle out anyway; however, some of my hates are permanent (at least for the foreseeable future) such as (to name but a few) feet, tomatoes, people chewing fabrics....euh, americanisms, people who like to show food they're eating to other people and think its funny, spitting, incorrect use of grammar in speech....the list could go on and on and the items wouldn't get any more sensible!!!

ok, lets start with one that really really annoys me but doesn't appear to bother anyone else anywhere near as much.....

AMERICANISMS (am-e-rican-isms): Now, i have to admit to everyone now, i am slightly americo-phobic, that is, i have a number of american-based peeves and hatred that i could have listed above. I have my reasons but all the americans that i have got to know have thankfully shown me that i don't actually hate "americans", merely some of them and some of there "traditions" (if it's not bad enough they steal most of ours...another annoyance of mine). Anyway, perhaps i should start by clarifying what i mean by an "americanism" before i talk about how much they annoy me? An americanism, as i "like" to call them, is a word or phrase that has been ruthlessly twisted and moulded from the perfectly good (and may i say, usually more grammactically sound) english word or phrase to produce a hidious, almost slang, term which makes me wanna wretch!!! How they originated i don't know, but i would hazard a guess that it has something to do with poor education...i.e. poor aural, oral, spelling, grammar etc... and the accent, much the same as how far eastern dialects struggle with R and W, so do Americans struggle with anuncitation of most kinds...

A list of really really annoying americanisms:

Aluminum: Why? Dear god why? Taking out the i does absolutely nothing. Did the dictionary publisher at Yale or wherever just spell it wrong?
Sulfur: I should have know americans would have had a problem with a subtlety such as ph = f. This, actually on it's own does not annoy me, however, when i heard they were thinging about changing sulphur to sulfur as the preferred spelling throughout the english speaking world it wigged me out totally!!!
"Have a nice day now": What is it? i mean, really, what is it? What does it mean? Does it mean "goodbye" or is it a question even as the upward tone to it certainly insinuates one!?!? Then there's the juxtoposition of the whole thing... is it possible to have an oxymoronic undertone? I mean, just the act of saying THOSE words automatically makes people in this country feel worse and annoyed, a quite amazing thing really.
The "John": What is wrong with the word "toilet"? is it too vulgar so instead they invent a person to sit on!?!? This is even worse accompanied by the almost evil "number one" and "number two" that just insinuate that americans don't remeber their bodily functions and as such number them. i imagine picking your nose is number three with scratching your ass at 20?!?! I shall withhold my full anger on the Restroom idea....ooh, i think i'll take a nap in the rest room....grrrrr....
Faucet: It's a weird little quirk of the english language that the word "monosyllabic" has so many syllabuls in it. This, however, goes one step further and, unusually, in totally the opposite direction to most americanisms... What is wrong with "tap"? I know i'm being mean on this one as faucet is a good olde worlde english term, granted, but no-one really wants to make more work for themselves by writing and saying another syllabul do they?

Ok, so thats enough for now, plus i reckon the points been made by now! It's just the blatant pervertion of english grammar, spelling and general good wordplay that really makes my blood boil!

TOMATOES (tom-art-hos): The devils fruit if ever there was one! Thats why its so bitter and weird for a fruit (just imagine spreading tomato jam on your cream tea...euh). I actually am slowly learning to deael with this one but i doubt i'll ever actually be able to eat one whole....shudder...

TOMATO SAUCE: If tomato is the devil's fruit then ketchup is his blood! I am wigged out by tomatoes but i am SERIOUSLY KETCHUP PHOBIC!!! someone once spread it on my face and it nearly made me wretch! i can't talk anymore about it, it sullies me.......

FEET: Nuff said...

PEOPLE CHEWING FABRIC: Its my equivalent of fingernails across a blackboard. You know that feeling when your whole body curls and your mouth goes dry? How can anybody do this?

PEOPLE WHO SHOW FOOD IN THEIR MOUTH: Yes plate, i mean you!!!! Some people, i.e. Plate (if u dunno who that is then tough) have picked up on this phobia of mine and so do it on purpose to creep me out, or sometimes smear food on their face and say "paul, have i got a crumb there".....whoa, my hands are tingling just writing about it!!!! It goes way way way beyond bad manners in my very extensive and patronising book (or tome potentially!)

Anyway, this is gettin' me a bit het up so i'll sign off for now...

MOMMA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've told everyone i am going to my cousin's wife's (weird punctuation but correct no?) birthday thing on saturady day/night and guess what..... IT'S THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST THAT EVENING......sob sob sob.....blubber.... What do i do? I can't believe i'm so cold as to want to boycott the birthday for eurovision. Is it still just as tacky, hilarious and weird if it's taped? more to the point, i don't think my video works to tape at the moment! It's bad enough that i haven't even followed the eurovision process this year, i mean, what is our song? who is singing it? I do, of course however, know that it is in Greece this year but that is as far as my knowledge goes! How can i possibly make a eurovision quiz this year without the knowledge myself? Lets face it, i must be one of the only people under 40 alive to have a hosted a eurovision "gathering" to which more than five people turned up! what to do?what to do?

Hola all... i friggin' hate work, it drives me up the soddin' wall!!!! I solemnly swear never to get as ratted as i did yesterday again in the day time.....that kind of embarassment should be reserved entirely for the hours of darkness methinks!!! Plus i hit my toe on the stairs on the way up to be sick and it absolutely kills! needly to say work isn't progressing very well today. You would have thought by now i would have already have subjected myself (and others) to the entire spectrum of personal embarassment having subjected myself to an immense plethora of drinking games, emesis (of the projectile AND non-projectile varieties), needing help getting undressed, mooning, wrapping people up in electrical tape and wearing old pants found in a drawer over my jeans to identify just a few; BUT NO! I continue to push the boundaries of embarassment yet further all the the time, including yesterday's barbecue come drinking session come head down the bowl session..... i won't be saying anymore on the subject. On the plus side i did manage to produce a "green shit" that tasted quite nice out of almost everything in my considerable drinks collection (did i say i've just orderd some mezcal online, can't wait!!!!).

Well, i've finally done it, i'm not proud of it but there you are....and i have to say i quite enjoyed it.... It's something i told myself a long time ago that i would never ever do; read a Harry Potter book! not only that, but i've nearly finished my second!! i feel strangely used!!! still, as i've struggled unsuccessfully for years to read anything even remotely "grown-up" (i swear it's cause uni has made me a "scanner" and now i can't concentrate on reading like i used to) i'm pretty pleased with myself too!!! People keep telling me to read dan brown books (particaularly angels and demons) but i'm not entirely convinced i can bring myself to do it!!!!

Good afternoon all...you know, i was just thinking, i would never have set up a blog just a few months ago but after posting a few patronising comments on one or two blogs i've got a real taste for it!!! or is that the boredom of work that drives me to it? well, i won't talk about anything in particalur in this brief message but i'll certainly be having a crack later or tomorrow.