sciocco patrocinando

ow yao dowin today? grrrreat ta, yao? Bostin ta! Listen me flowa, our betty's havin a do down the con club if yao and your jim fancy poppin' along? i heard she's had a new do un all!!! Anyhow, i'd best be off cocker, i've gotta get some cream for me fowrid... tara....

Monday, May 08, 2006

Just sitting here with my pounding headache (despite ODing on painkillers) it's just occured to me that i hate so many things....that is to say, when it comes to liking something or someone i am rather apathetic; however, when it is a dislike i find it very difficult to be anything short of militant!!! Some of my "hatreds" are rather sporadic and short lived such as TV personalities or turns of phrase that eventually fizzle out anyway; however, some of my hates are permanent (at least for the foreseeable future) such as (to name but a few) feet, tomatoes, people chewing fabrics....euh, americanisms, people who like to show food they're eating to other people and think its funny, spitting, incorrect use of grammar in speech....the list could go on and on and the items wouldn't get any more sensible!!!

ok, lets start with one that really really annoys me but doesn't appear to bother anyone else anywhere near as much.....

AMERICANISMS (am-e-rican-isms): Now, i have to admit to everyone now, i am slightly americo-phobic, that is, i have a number of american-based peeves and hatred that i could have listed above. I have my reasons but all the americans that i have got to know have thankfully shown me that i don't actually hate "americans", merely some of them and some of there "traditions" (if it's not bad enough they steal most of ours...another annoyance of mine). Anyway, perhaps i should start by clarifying what i mean by an "americanism" before i talk about how much they annoy me? An americanism, as i "like" to call them, is a word or phrase that has been ruthlessly twisted and moulded from the perfectly good (and may i say, usually more grammactically sound) english word or phrase to produce a hidious, almost slang, term which makes me wanna wretch!!! How they originated i don't know, but i would hazard a guess that it has something to do with poor education...i.e. poor aural, oral, spelling, grammar etc... and the accent, much the same as how far eastern dialects struggle with R and W, so do Americans struggle with anuncitation of most kinds...

A list of really really annoying americanisms:

Aluminum: Why? Dear god why? Taking out the i does absolutely nothing. Did the dictionary publisher at Yale or wherever just spell it wrong?
Sulfur: I should have know americans would have had a problem with a subtlety such as ph = f. This, actually on it's own does not annoy me, however, when i heard they were thinging about changing sulphur to sulfur as the preferred spelling throughout the english speaking world it wigged me out totally!!!
"Have a nice day now": What is it? i mean, really, what is it? What does it mean? Does it mean "goodbye" or is it a question even as the upward tone to it certainly insinuates one!?!? Then there's the juxtoposition of the whole thing... is it possible to have an oxymoronic undertone? I mean, just the act of saying THOSE words automatically makes people in this country feel worse and annoyed, a quite amazing thing really.
The "John": What is wrong with the word "toilet"? is it too vulgar so instead they invent a person to sit on!?!? This is even worse accompanied by the almost evil "number one" and "number two" that just insinuate that americans don't remeber their bodily functions and as such number them. i imagine picking your nose is number three with scratching your ass at 20?!?! I shall withhold my full anger on the Restroom idea....ooh, i think i'll take a nap in the rest room....grrrrr....
Faucet: It's a weird little quirk of the english language that the word "monosyllabic" has so many syllabuls in it. This, however, goes one step further and, unusually, in totally the opposite direction to most americanisms... What is wrong with "tap"? I know i'm being mean on this one as faucet is a good olde worlde english term, granted, but no-one really wants to make more work for themselves by writing and saying another syllabul do they?

Ok, so thats enough for now, plus i reckon the points been made by now! It's just the blatant pervertion of english grammar, spelling and general good wordplay that really makes my blood boil!

TOMATOES (tom-art-hos): The devils fruit if ever there was one! Thats why its so bitter and weird for a fruit (just imagine spreading tomato jam on your cream tea...euh). I actually am slowly learning to deael with this one but i doubt i'll ever actually be able to eat one whole....shudder...

TOMATO SAUCE: If tomato is the devil's fruit then ketchup is his blood! I am wigged out by tomatoes but i am SERIOUSLY KETCHUP PHOBIC!!! someone once spread it on my face and it nearly made me wretch! i can't talk anymore about it, it sullies me.......

FEET: Nuff said...

PEOPLE CHEWING FABRIC: Its my equivalent of fingernails across a blackboard. You know that feeling when your whole body curls and your mouth goes dry? How can anybody do this?

PEOPLE WHO SHOW FOOD IN THEIR MOUTH: Yes plate, i mean you!!!! Some people, i.e. Plate (if u dunno who that is then tough) have picked up on this phobia of mine and so do it on purpose to creep me out, or sometimes smear food on their face and say "paul, have i got a crumb there".....whoa, my hands are tingling just writing about it!!!! It goes way way way beyond bad manners in my very extensive and patronising book (or tome potentially!)

Anyway, this is gettin' me a bit het up so i'll sign off for now...

2 Comments:

Blogger Blogito Ergo Sum said...

I've had to set up a whole other blog, which i will never use, so i hope you apreciate this comment!

I don't have time to say much so:

A) Congrats on the blog fellow blogger!

B) "Fawcett" was the old English word. We deviated from it with "tap", as with "fall" (autumn).

C) Visit my blog at www.blogs.warwick.ac.uk/jodieflavell y'all.

And so to work...

8:53 am  
Blogger Pablo said...

Ah, so faucet is a 'fake' word then? I just had a thought. It maybe that 'tap' fromed from the idea of screwing it out to let the water flow as a 'tap' is also the equipment used to make the screw hole ready for the screw etc.

9:31 am  

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